Dear Life,
Dear Life,
I’m writing to express my dissatisfaction with the recent years you’ve provided. Frankly, they haven’t lived up to the marketing brochure that lured me into this existence.
As a prelude to writing this letter, I decided to finally review the terms and conditions of our agreement, and I’m now concerned that the whole construct of your offering may be based upon false advertising.
Let’s start with this whole “work” thing. I believe it was insufficiently represented in the brochure, which only mentioned one line on the last page:
“Life will provide opportunities for occupations to obtain resources that can be exchanged for necessary and interesting things.”
That seems to contrast with the numerous disclaimers in the contract, including this line, taken from page 325, paragraph 13:
“Any and all life opportunities characterized as employment or ‘work’ may lead to malaise, sickness, and/or death and comes with no warranty.”
Next, let’s talk about relationships. The brochure, which is replete with pictures of darling children, happy families, spirited activities, and fulfilled seniors, states the following:
“Life opportunities include making friends, enjoying self-chosen activities, and as an added bonus for the more adventurous, having families.”
Yet, on page 712, paragraph 4, the contract states:
“Life participants have unique perspectives. Interactions with others may lead to malaise, sickness, and/or death and comes with no warranty. Furthermore, not interacting with others may lead to malaise, sickness, and/or death and comes with no warranty.”
So, you’re telling me that both socializing and being a hermit are life-threatening activities? This seems like an irresponsible way to manage an operation.
Speaking of responsibility, it appears you’re avoiding all of it. For example, in the brochure, it’s stated:
“Life provides circumstances for participants to assume responsibility for self and others as part of ongoing learning and development, which can be leveraged for greater future opportunities.”
However, on page 946, paragraph 7 of the contract, it states:
“Participants assume full responsibility for their experience and such may result in malaise, sickness, and/or death and comes with no warranty. Furthermore, Life assumes no responsibility for the participant’s experience, which will inevitably result in malaise, sickness, and/or death.”
I would venture a wager that most who elect to participate in this grand spectacle do not read the contract and if they did, would have different expectations than depicted in your brochure. Especially since “death” isn’t mentioned once in the brochure but seems to be mentioned many times on every page of the contract. As a result, I am left pondering the legitimacy of your entire enterprise.
In closing, I suggest you revisit your marketing and consider a more transparent approach. Perhaps a disclaimer at the beginning, something like, “Life may include unforeseen challenges, existential quandaries, and may lead to malaise, sickness, and/or death and comes with no warranty.” That would set a more accurate tone.
Oh, and one more thing. My contract keeps referring to the additional terms and conditions of the “Cosmic Contract,” which takes effect after death. But it’s not in my paperwork.
When might I expect to see the details?
Yours Insincerely,
Disenchanted in Des Moines, Iowa
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