The man, dressed in a well-worn tweed jacket, placed the empty clamshell burger container on the counter. “I’d like a refund.”
The manager, Brenda, was less patient today. “Really? Again? But you ate it!”
“It was the only one I had.”
“You know we don’t offer refunds on something that no longer exists.”
“Well, if you give me half the money back, we can call it even.”
“I’m afraid not, sir.”
He leaned in with a conspiratorial glance around. “How about you give me another hamburger?”
“Sir, I think you should be on your way.”
He stood up straight. “But this is a disservice to my dignity and your fine establishment’s reputation.”
“Sir, you come here every week to eat the same burger and ask for the same refund.”
“It’s a sign of respect and my belief that you will improve.”
“Sir, all our food is cooked the same way every day.”
“See? Perhaps now you can appreciate the consistency and depth of my regard. You should honor my willingness to continue to partake of your offerings, despite my being let down each time.”
Regardless of every sign he was a scammer, Brenda sighed and asked for more specifics. “Sir, just what is it about the burgers that you don’t like?”
“Well,” he leaned forward again and lowered his voice. “I’m a vegetarian, so I don’t like meat.”
“A vegetarian who eats burgers?”
“My personal compromises are the sacrifices I make to honor your wonderful restaurant and the hope that some day you will offer veggie burgers.”
“But we have french fries and salads.”
“I don’t like salads and fries are not so good for my waist.”
“Sir, you’re killing me here. This makes no sense.”
“My commitment to helping you is higher than my commitment to helping myself.”
“But you never get a refund or a free burger. Why all the trouble?”
“Ma’am, I assure you, I mean no trouble. Your eyes are so kind that I’m compelled to do what I can to help you service more people at the highest standards you aspire.”
Brenda smirked and placed her hands on her hips. “You’re testing my patience.”
The man paused and lowered his head. “I apologize.” He continued humbly, “I shall bid you adieu.” He turned and walked the few steps to the door. But before leaving he glanced back over his shoulder. “Next week, I’m ordering the double!”
by George Alger
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